...helping men and women rebuild marriages affected by a wife's childhood sexual abuse.

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Category Archives: Marriage

Is the content of your message congruent with your intent?

In communicating with our wives, if we are not conscious of our motive, we will not be clear in our message. Let’s say that for date night with my wife I say, “Honey, let’s just order out Chinese and have a nice, quiet evening at home.” My message is disguising my motivation because the fuller […]

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How well are you expressing yourself and your needs to your wife?

From personal experience and from my interaction with other husbands whose wives are victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), I know that we men are often hesitant to express some of our needs and frustrations to our wives. Some fear usually hinders freedom of expression. For some, it’s fear that their wives will further distance […]

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How to Respond when Childhood Sexual Abuse is Disclosed

Last week’s blog referred to the process known as grooming in childhood sexual abuse (CSA). The perpetrator grooms not only the victim but also the community. Having groomed the community, it is possible for the perpetrator to be respected before ever being suspected. Sadly, when the victim discloses CSA, the victim is too often suspected […]

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If You Don’t Take Steps for Self-Care Now, You’ll Regret it Later (Part 1)

For many years, I assumed that anything with the word “self” in front of it was not good: selfish, self-indulgent, self-righteous, self-pity. I’ve now awakened to the fact that there are some exceptions and self-care is one of those exceptions. Jesus, the personification of selflessness, knowing the limitations of his disciples, guided them in self-care. […]

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Two Steps to Managing Yourself in the Trauma (Part 2 of “Have you Experienced the Contagious Nature of Trauma?”)

 “Trauma overwhelms the brain’s organizational system” according to psychotherapist Steven Levenkron in his book Stolen Tomorrows. The trauma alters the brain’s normal perceptions for those who were sexually abused as children. These alterations are not necessarily permanent but they are profound (p. 152). With childhood sexual abuse (CSA), the brain’s ability to keep the traumatic experience […]

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Have you Experienced the Contagious Nature of Trauma? (Part 1)

My interviews with husbands whose wives are victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) consistently revealed that trauma is not insulated or isolated with their wives. Researchers Carolyn Maltas and Joseph Shay’s extensive study of the contagious nature of trauma was reported in their work, “Trauma Contagion in Partners of Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse” in […]

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Here’s how you might avoid accidentally pulling the trigger on your wife

In my research of husbands whose wives were victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), social relationship conflict was at the top of the list – even surpassing sexual frustration – as the most problematic issue in their marriage. A common word used by husbands in my interviews was trigger, referring to how a simple conversation […]

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What is a normal marriage anyway?

I thought I had a normal marriage. My wife and I had normal children, normal celebrations, normal habits, normal communication, normal sex, and normal arguments. Then, ten years into our marriage, my wife disclosed her childhood sexual abuse (CSA). Her disclosure was a defining moment in our marriage. Once we got into some counseling, we […]

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Three Insights From My Counselor

As the husband of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I’ve gone back to a counselor at different stages of my journey. Because of multiple situations converging in my life, I’ve been seeing a counselor in the Milwaukee area in recent months. I’m passing along to you some of the principles he has been working […]

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