Self-Check on our own Health (Part 2)
The self-check for emotional and relational health is based on the principle that it can be prosperous to strive for a healthy relationship and preposterous to seek a normal relationship. Striving for a healthy relationship begins with us as husbands. This blog is the second of a 3-part series offering three self-check questions to consider. Last week, the self-check was to ask ourselves, Am I controlling?
Here’s the second self-check: Am I co-dependent?
In codependency, it is as if you, as the husband, have no will of your own. She feels normal for a day so you feel normal for a day. She feels down, your down. No different from a puppet on a string and she is the one who is in control whether or not she wants to be.
In my research of husbands married to survivors of CSA, I did not encounter any references to codependency. Codependents are often thought to be partners of substance abusers. However, husbands of survivors can easily slip into codependency or may have even married because of codependency.
Please don’t take this as a validated psychological assessment for codependency, but you may want to learn more about codependency if the following describes you.
- My wife’s moods seem to control how I feel.
- I usually feel responsible for how my wife feels.
- I do all I can to please my wife but never really feel that I’ve done enough.
- I can identify multiple ways that I tend to my wife’s needs but I cannot as easily identify how I’ve tended to my own needs.
- I sometimes say yes when I really mean no.
- My whole life seems to revolve around my wife’s needs.
Review these questions each day for the next week and determine what your attitudes and actions indicate. By the way, it’s easy to confuse codependency as sacrificial love.
Codependency is a very complex issue that sabotages the health of any relationship. To learn more and to develop a greater self-awareness, I highly recommend Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.
There is one more self-check that we’ll explore next week.